I got this in my email today. It’s a choice collection of quotes from Mike Tyson. It’s pure comedy gold.
Disclaimer – it’s possible these are not all legit, although I remember a bunch of them, so I think it’s cool.
Enjoy the accidental wit of Iron Mike:
My Favorite Mike Tyson Quote

“[He] called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse.’ I’m not a recluse.”
On Lennox Lewis

“Lennox Lewis, I’m coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My
defense is impregnable, and I’m just ferocious. I want your heart. I
want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!”
“My main objective is to be professional but to kill him.”
“I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him [Lennox Lewis]. I want
to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their
children.”
On Evander Holyfield

“You got nothing coming, man. I’m going to enjoy this fight.”
After biting Holyfield he said, “This is my career. I have children to
raise. I have to retaliate. He butted me. Look at me. My kids will be
scared of me.”
“I felt Holyfield was using his head illegally. I told the referee I
wasn’t getting any help, so I went back to the streets. I cannot
defend it, but it happened.”
On Razor Ruddock

“You’re sweet. I’m going to make sure you kiss me good with those big
lips. I’m gonna make you my girlfriend.”
On Tyrell Biggs

Tyson on Tyrell Biggs’ complaining to him about low blows “Low blows?
Low blows? Huh! Motherf**ker you’re fittin’ to die!”
“He was screaming like my wife.”
“I could have knocked him out in the third round but I wanted to do it
slowly, so he would remember this night for a long time.”
On His Wife

“I paid a worker at New York’s zoo to re-open it just for me and
Robin. When we got to the gorilla cage there was 1 big silverback
gorilla there just bullying all the other gorillas. They were so
powerful but their eyes were like an innocent infant. I offered the
attendant $10,000 to open the cage and let smash that silverback’s
snotbox! He declined.”
“Anyone with a grain of sense would know that if I punched my wife I
would rip her head off. It’s all lies. I have never laid a finger on
her.”
On His Childhood

“One morning I woke up and found my favorite pigeon, Julius, had died
I was devastated and was gonna use his crate as my stickball bat to
honor him. I left the crate on my stoop and went in to get something
and I returned to see the sanitation man put the crate into the
crusher. I rushed him and caught him flush on the temple with a
titanic right hand he was out cold, convulsing on the floor like a
infantile retard.”
On Fans
To a question on whether he feels support from the common fan: “I
don’t feel love from them because there’s no love. They don’t know me
as an individual; they know me for what I actually do. Because they
pay to see me smash anybody. If they’re white they pay, [it’s] because
the only thing they have respect for is my ability as an athlete. But
if I was in court and I had to use them to testify against me on my
character, they wouldn’t testify positively against me and they would
think I’m a cad…”
“There are nine million people who see me in the ring and hate my
guts. Most of them are white. That’s okay. Just spell my name right.”
“I think the average person thinks I’m a f**king nut and I deserve
whatever happens to me. That’s what I believe.”
“When you see me smash somebody’s skull, you enjoy it.”
On His Time in Prison
“You have to understand, Frank Bruno would not have been champion if I
had not been in prison. Oliver McCall would not have been champion if
I had not been in prison. A lot of these guys would not have been
champion. Michael Moorer would not have been champion. Those guys
would not have been champion if I had been around. They would have had
no legacy. None of those guys would have had a legacy.”
“I would have been in shape. I would have been active. Holyfield,
those guys wouldn’t have been champion when I was around, but I went
away for four or five years inactive and that made them competitive
for a time.”
“But you really have to look at the science of the situation. You guys
come here to talk and report but you don’t actually look at the facts
of what this business is all about. The best thing that happened to
those guys and they should stand on their mother’s shoulders and kiss
my ass because I went to prison or they would not be existing right
now. They’d be a flash in the pan and would have made some money and
opened up a restaurant or bar somewhere where they live at.”
On Boxing
“I try to catch him right on the tip of the nose, because I try to
push the bone into the brain.”
“Everyone in boxing probably makes out well except for the fighter.
He’s the only one that’s on Skid Row most of the time; he’s the only
one that everybody just leaves when he loses his mind. He sometimes
goes insane, he sometimes goes on the bottle, because it’s a highly
intensive pressure sport that allows people to just lose it [their
self-control].”
“How dare these boxers challenge me with their primitive skills? It
makes me angry. They’re just as good as dead.”
“My power is discombobulatingly devastating I could feel is muscle
tissues collapse under my force. It’s ludicrous these mortals even
attempt to enter my realm.”
Tyson: “It’s interesting that you put me in the league with those
illustrious fighters [Muhammad Ali, Joe Louis, Jack Johnson], but I’ve
proved since my career I’ve surpassed them as far my popularity. I’m
the biggest fighter in the history of the sport. If you don’t believe
it, check the cash register.”
“Without discipline, no matter how good you are, you are nothing! One
day, and I might not be around; you’re going to meet a tough guy who
takes your best shot. He’ll keep coming because he’s tough. Don’t get
discouraged. That’s when the discipline comes in.”
“I just want them to keep bringing guys on and I’m going to strip them
of their health. I bring pain, a lot of pain.”
On His Family
“No one gives a f**k about me. No one cares if my children starve, if
they’re on welfare. I have to support my children. I need more money.”
Mike, on his mother who died in 1982: “I never saw my mother happy
with me and proud of me for doing something: She only knew me as being
a wild kid running the streets, coming home with new clothes that she
knew I didn’t pay for. I never got a chance to talk to her or know
about her. Professionally, it has no effect, but it’s crushing
emotionally and personally.”
On the Media
“I want to throw down your kid and stomp on his testicles, and then
you will know what it is like to experience waking up everyday as me.
And only then will you feel my pain.”
[To a female reporter] “It’s no doubt I am going to win this fight and
I feel confident about winning this fight. I normally don’t do
interviews with women unless I fornicate with them. So you shouldn’t
talk anymore… Unless you want to, you know.”
“People [are] going to say what they say. It has to be for a reason.
It’s just for a reason. I know sometimes I say things; I offend
people. I ask this lady a lewd question because I’m in a lot of pain
too. I have some pain I’m gonna have for the rest of my life. And
Lewis, I’m trying to give some of that pain to ya’ll.”
“You gentlemen have no idea what it’s like to be myself, no idea what
it’s like. I’m not interested in being humiliated anymore.”
“Sometimes you guys have no pride, so no matter what I say, you guys
…. it doesn’t affect you because you don’t care about nothing but
money. So every now and then I kick your f**king ass and stomp on you
and put some kind of pain and inflict some of the pain on you because
you deserve to feel the pain that I feel.”
“If I take this camera and put it in your face for 20 years, I don’t
know what you might be. You might be a homosexual if I put that camera
on you since you were 13 years old. I’ve been on that camera since I
was 13 years old.”
On Religion
“All praise is to Allah, I’ll fight any man, any animal, if Jesus were
here I’d fight him too.”
“I feel like sometimes that I was born, that I’m not meant for this
society because everyone here is a f**king hypocrite. Everybody says
they believe in God but they don’t do God’s work. Everybody
counteracts what God is really about. If Jesus was here, do you think
Jesus would show me any love? Do you think Jesus would love me? I’m a
Muslim, but do you think Jesus would love me … I think Jesus would
have a drink with me and discuss … why you acting like that? Now, he
would be cool. He would talk to me. No Christian ever did that and
said in the name of Jesus even … They’d throw me in jail and write
bad articles about me and then go to church on Sunday and say Jesus is
a wonderful man and he’s coming back to save us. But they don’t
understand that when he comes back, that these crazy greedy
capitalistic men are gonna kill him again.”
Stacey McKinley: “He sees a guy beggin’ in the street and he gives him
a hundred dollars. I’ll say, ‘Man, y’know the guy’s just gonna spend
it on crack!’ But he says, ‘I leave it to Allah to judge him.’”
“I’m a man. I lived it and I’m not afraid to die but when I die I’m
going to paradise and I’m not worried.”

On Himself
“The one thing I know, everyone respects the true person and
everyone’s not true with themselves. All of these people who are
heroes, these guys who have been lily white and clean all their lives,
if they went through what I went through, they would commit suicide.
They don’t have the heart that I have. I’ve lived places they can’t
defecate in.”
“I’m not Mother Teresa. But I’m also not Charles Manson!”
“Fear is your best friend or your worst enemy. It’s like fire. If you
can control it, it can cook for you; it can heat your house. If you
can’t control it, it will burn everything around you and destroy you.
If you can control your fear, it makes you more alert, like a deer
coming across the lawn.”
“I’m just like you. I enjoy the forbidden fruits in life, too. I think
it’s un-American not to go out with a woman, not to be with a
beautiful woman, not to get my dick sucked … It’s just what I said
before, everybody in this country is a big f**king liar. [The media]
tells people … that this person did this and this person did that
and then we find out that were just human and we find out that Michael
Jordan cheats on his wife just like everybody else and that we all
cheat on our f**king wife in one way or another either emotionally,
physically or sexually or one way.”
“There’s no one perfect. We’re always gonna do that. Jimmy Swaggart is
lascivious, Mike Tyson is lascivious — but we’re not criminally, at
least I’m not, criminally lascivious. You know what I mean. I may like
to fornicate more than other people — it’s just who I am. I sacrifice
so much of my life, can I at least get laid? I mean, I been robbed of
my most of my money, can I at least get [oral sex] without the people
wanting to harass me and wanting to throw me in jail?”
“At times, I come across as crude or crass, that irritates you when I
come across like a Neanderthal or a babbling idiot at times. But I
like to be that person. I like to show you all that person because
that’s who you come to see.”
“I’m the most irresponsible person in the world. The reason I’m like
that is because, at 21, you all gave me $50 or $100 million, and I
didn’t know what to do. I’m from the ghetto. I don’t know how to act.
One day I’m in a dope house robbing somebody. The next thing I know,
‘You’re the heavyweight champion of the world.’ … Who am I? What am
I? I don’t even know who I am. I’m just a dumb child. I’m being
abused. I’m being robbed by lawyers. I think I have more money than I
do. I’m just a dumb pugnacious fool. I’m just a fool who thinks I’m
someone. And you tell me I should be responsible?”
On His Mental Health
“I don’t know if I’m mentally sick, but I have… episodes sometimes.
I’m a depressant kind of dude. I have episodes, and I’m human. But no
one cares about my health as a human because sometimes I’m in my
episodes when I’m at work.”
“Well, [contemplating suicide] goes through everyone’s mind, I’m sure.
And if it doesn’t I really must be crazy. Everyone thinks about that
because sometimes, you know what I mean, it’s just tough being a
ni**er and it’s tough being a bad ni**er.”
I don’t react to a tragic happening any more. I took so many bad
things as a kid and some people think I don’t care about anything.
It’s just too hard for me to get emotional. I can’t cry no more.”
“I’m on the Zoloft [an antidepressant] to keep from killing y’all.”
On America
“I’m just a dark guy from a den of iniquity. A dark shadowy figure
from the bowels of iniquity. I wish I could be Mike who gets an
endorsement deal. But you can’t make a lie and a truth go together.
This country wasn’t built on moral fiber. This country was built on
rape, slavery, murder, degradation and affiliation with crime.”
Miscellaneous Quotes
“I really dig Hannibal. Hannibal had real guts. He rode elephants into
Cartilage.”
“I guess I’m gonna fade into Bolivian.”
“I like the British bikes. I like British people. They’re real
mellow.”
“I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating.”
“I have some pain I’m gonna have for the rest of my life. So every now
and then I kick your f**king ass.”
“I just want to conquer people and their souls.”